• "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION: You'll be making under $7 an hour.

 

  • "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY" :  You'll be making under $7 an hour we'll be bankrupt in a year.

 

  • "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY" : " We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in heck we'll be the next Microsoft.

 

  • "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN" : Once it's shared between the higherups, there won't be a profit.

 

  • "COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

 

  • "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"We have no time to train you you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

 

  • "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER" : Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

 

  • "IMMEDIATE OPENING" : The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

 

  • "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER" : We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

 

  • "SELF-MOTIVATED" : Management won't answer questions

 

  • "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS" : After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

 

  • "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

 

  • "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE" : who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

 

  • "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" : We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

 

  • "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" : We have a lot of turnover.

 

  • "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT" : Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

 

  • "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" : We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

 

  • "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT" : Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

 

  • "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT"  : We booze it up at company parties.

 

  • "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" : You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

 

  • "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED" : If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

 

  • -"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" : Some time each night and some time each weekend.

 

  • "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k"  :We'll offer you $22k to start.

 

  • "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION" : You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

 

  • "FLEXIBLE HOURS" Work 40 hours get paid for 25.

 

  • "DUTIES WILL VARY" : Anyone in the office can boss you around.

 

  • "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED"  Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

 

  • "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.

 

  • "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED"  Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

 

  • "CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).

 

  • "APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

 

  • "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" :We've filled the job our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

 

  • "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"  :You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

 

  • "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"  You're walking into a company in perpetual, systemic chaos.

 

  • "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"  You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

 

  • "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" : Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

 

  • "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"  You whine, you're fired.

 

  • "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY"  We loooooove brown-nosers.